Archive for February, 2012

LD 22

I’m now 22 days into my Lupron treatments. Side effects haven’t been too horrible yet, although I did struggle with some ugly depression for a week starting about 10 days after the injection. Interestingly, my temps dropped a lot during that time and I started spotting. But my mood got much better as the spotting continued. Luckily I haven’t had any serious hot flashes or night sweats yet.

As for my other projects:

Other medical appointments:
Dentist – done
Dentist again for a cavity – tomorrow
Eye doctor – March
New glasses – March
Take my dog to the vet – March
HSG – April

Losing weight:
I’m hoping to lose 13 pounds while I’m on Lupron. I’ve lost 3 and am right on track.

Buy a house:
Yesterday was our first house hunting trip. We were scheduled to see 3, but only saw 2. I hated one and really liked the other.
Next step is to attend a house buying seminar at the bank tomorrow and start talking to the bank.

It’s been fun, and I’ve found so many great blogs! I also attended my local Resolve support group and left feeling better about things!



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My first ICLW

Welcome ICLWers! This is my first ICLW! I started this blog when we first started TTC, intending for it to be a pregnancy journal. However, after 19 cycles, 1 clomid/IUI, 1 lap, and diagnoses of mild MFI and Stage III endo, I’ve started to realize that it’s actually an infertility journal. You can see my timeline in the tab on the top of the page. Along this journey, I’ve found some blogs of strong and amazing ALI women. I’m normally a lurker, but I think ICLW will be a good reason to come out of my shell.

Right now I’m about 2 weeks into 3 months of Lupron Depot shots to treat my endometriosis. When my RE introduced Lupron Depot he admitted that there was no medical proof that it helps conception rates, but he feels like chances are higher after Lupron. And, most importantly, he left the decision to start Lupron entirely up to me. I decided that if for some reason I’m not able to conceive, I would always wonder if the Lupron would have helped. I didn’t see any long-term regrets that would be as significant, so I dutifully started my shots in early February. Now I’m trying to make it through the next 3 months without losing my mind.

The fact that I’m infertile is still a new realization to me, and I’ve been using this blog as a dumping ground for all of my thoughts on my infertility. I’ve been reading some blogs with amazing, talented writing, and unfortunately this blog isn’t one of them!

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I’m an infertile stepmom.

First, a bit of background, because every stepmom has a different story with their stepkids, and the situation completely changes the dynamics of the relationship. My stepsons are 4 and 6, and I’ve been a major part of their lives since they were 19 months and 4. We have them one night a week for dinner and every other weekend (Saturday morning through Sunday lunch). The only time we have them for a more extended amount of time is when their mom is out of town, which might happen once a year for 3-4 days. Their mom and my DH have a good co-parenting relationship, they speak nearly every day, and even though it drives me crazy sometimes, I admit that it’s good for the boys. BM is in a (mostly) stable relationship with her bf, so they have a stepdad-type figure in their lives. BM seems to accept me, and we have a courteous relationship. We’re even Facebook “friends” which counts for something, right?

Given this arrangement, I see myself as parent #4. Mom is #1 because she’s with them most of the time and makes most decisions for them. Due to the relationship between BM and my DH, their dad is #2. He’s consulted on all major decisions, but the general agenda is set by BM. BM’s bf is #3 because he gets to live with them and see them most of the time. He also obviously has a strong influence on BM’s agenda for the boys, and is even a cub scout den leader for the older one. And that leaves me in the role of parent #4. I’m told after decisions are made. Which makes sense, and intellectually I agree with it. But it doesn’t fulfill that maternal instinct, and I feel more like a babysitter and less like someone who is actively shaping their lives. Being a stepmom is by no means a substitute for being a real mom.

Being a stepmom is hard. If I get too involved I end up overstepping boundaries. If I’m not involved enough I’m an evil stepmom. And there are lots of other challenges that you can read about elsewhere. But this post isn’t about those issues. This is about being an infertile stepmom. I assume that if you’re here, you know about the challenges of infertility. I’ve looked through other ALI blogs, and I’ve found a few stepmoms, but not a lot. I guess we’re a minority of a minority group. And most of us don’t talk about being a stepmom and our infertility at the same time.

My DH has had a baby (two) with another woman. This is hard to think about. And now that I’m realizing how precious that is, it becomes even harder to think about. He’s gotten someone else pregnant (twice), and has been through pregnancy, delivery, and babyhood with her. I don’t seem to be able to do that. He still shares a strong bond with this other woman as they raise their sons together. And I watch it happen, and wonder if I’ll ever have that bond with him. I love my stepsons very much. But, in my darker moments, they’re symbols of what I can’t do and what I don’t have.

When I started my TTC journey, I was jealous and worried that my DH had done this before, and that nothing would be new to him. When it became obvious that things were going slowly, I was almost glad that our story was going to be different than his first time around. This was our story, and it was different from his first story. But now that things have become exceedingly difficult, I worry that I’ll never be able to have a child with him. Luckily, I feel that our relationship has become stronger through this struggle, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about being infertile.

We’ve both wondered what will happen if/when we hit the IVF decision point. I’m not entirely convinced that I want to put my body or my finances through IVF. Of course, it’s difficult to say at this point in time what will happen. But I know I want a child. And adoption might be our path. As I explore adoptions, I’ve noticed that I never see families like ours looking to adopt. With the boys living with us only EOW, are we eligible for adoption? Are there any other stepmoms who have experience with adoption? I can’t even figure out how to google it, because all of the results are about how to adopt your stepchildren. I hope that this isn’t another roadblock on our path to children.

But in case you think otherwise, I love my stepsons very much and feel so lucky that I get to spend time with them. I have great relationships with both of them, and I’m always excited when it’s their weekend with us. It’s my window into parenthood, and I love how it feels. And I think they love me back.

A few months ago I was with both of them, and the little one (3 at the time) was asking questions about family titles. I think he was trying to figure out what all the relationships mean. He asked, “am I a dad?” I told him that he would be one day. Then he asked “is dad a grandpa?” I told him that his dad would be a grandpa one day. And then he asked, “are you a mom?” Of course the question stung, but I said, “I’ll be a mom some day.” And then the older one (6) looked at me and said, “but you’re already a mommy.” If anyone else had told me that I was already a mom, I would have launched into a huge discourse about how being a stepmom is not like being a mom. But from my stepsons, this was the perfect thing to say.




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After a year and a half of counting cycle days and one year of charting, I’m feeling a bit lost without them. So maybe I’ll count my Lupron days, which puts me at Lupron day 10 of (hopefully) 90. I’ve been charting a bit to verify that I don’t ovulate, but after this “cycle” I’ll probably put my bbt thermometer away for a while. I haven’t noticed any side effects yet. My Dr. has me on estrogen replacement, so it must working. The only thing I’ve noticed is that my skin has cleared up a bit.

Emotionally I’m still having ups and downs about waiting 3 months. I’m hoping that connecting with others through this blog will help, and I’m planning to go to my local Resolve support group this month. And instead of focusing my internet research on a condition (endo or MFI) I’m stepping back to look at the larger social issues of how people deal with infertility.


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I just got back from my first yoga since before my lap surgery. It felt nice to stretch again!

I started yoga when I lived in Boston. My work offered an intro level series during lunch time, so I took advantage of it. I loved it! After the lunch time sessions ended I joined the closest yoga studio to my apartment, which happened to be hot yoga. Wow! It was an amazing work out and I loved how I felt afterwards. Several months later I moved to the midwest, and although I tried several different yoga studios, I didn’t find a good fit, so I left it alone for a while. During my divorce I found another yoga studio that I loved, and stayed there for about a year, eventually transitioning to yoga offered through a gym. Yoga has always been my favorite type of workout, and I love how in touch with my body I’d feel after class. Because of this body awareness, I’ve always dreamed about how prenatal yoga would feel, and how this would be an amazing way to be in touch with the baby inside of my body.

When I moved to my current city, I didn’t start yoga right away. When we started ttc, I decided I’d wait until I was pregnant and then find a prenatal class to join. During the early part of my ttc journey when I was thinking more about being pregnant and less about getting pregnant, I found a great yoga studio that offers a really promising prenatal class, plus several workshops about birth, and monthly teas for pregnant ladies. I was so excited! But of course, I wasn’t pregnant yet. When I realized I wasn’t getting pregnant quickly, I joined a regular class. It’s ok, but I always think about trying some other studios. But I want to go there when I’m pregnant, so I keep thinking I’ll stick it out until after I’ve had my baby.

I’ve yet to make any close friends since I moved back here. Sometimes I think that some yoga people might be nice to get to know more. But then the girls my age start talking about being a mom or giving birth, and I realize that I’m not in the right place to be friends with them yet.


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Hello world!

Today I decided to move my entire BBC journal to a blog! When I started my journey, I thought my journal would just be a pregnancy blog. Sadly, I was just beginning this long process. After the MFI diagnosis I still thought we were fertile, but we just needed to have enough cycles for the odds to catch up with us. But then I was diagnosed with endometriosis, and realized that we were truly infertile. I started seeking out information and experiences through blogs. And I found this amazing infertility blogging community. I’ve struggled with the idea of blogging solely about infertility because I don’t want it to define me, but it’s become something that I need to write about.

For the next three months I’m on Lupron Depot, which means that I won’t even be ovulating. Three months seems like a long time in the TTC world, but I hope it’s the next step to what I want. As I deal with this stalled time, I hope that having an outlet through blogging will help me through this stage of my TTC journey.

Lupron side effects have been mild so far, although I am doing an add back therapy with extra estrogen. The only thing I’ve noticed was a slight headache the evening and morning after the shot. The clomid side effects were much worse.

Other projects for the next three months include:

Dentist appointment. Unfortunately I also need to have a cavity filled.

Eye doctor appointment and new glasses. Might as well get the other appointments out of the way before heading back to the RE.

Losing weight. I hope to be 13 pounds lighter by the end of the Lupron treatments.

House hunting! We might buy a house before all of this is done!

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Today is CD4 of cycle #19 and I just had my first Lupron shot. Hopefully it won’t make me too crazy.

I was hoping my AF cramps would be less severe now that I’ve had my lap. But it followed the same pattern. The 2nd day started very painfully, even though I’d taken a double dose of Alleve less than 12 hours previously. I knew if I didn’t get the cramps under control I’d turn into a lump for the rest of the day, so I stayed in bed with the heating pad and more Alleve for a while before I was able to get up. But after that, I had very minor cramps for the rest of the day. But I did feel like there were more clots than normal.

On the positive side, no more AF until May at the earliest!

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