Archive for August, 2012

More bad news

It just doesn’t end. Today I had a consult with my RE to talk about switching to Femara. He looked at my records, and asked if my husband had ever had any chromosomal tests or hormone tests (we have mild MFI). I said no. Then he brought up possibly doing another HSG. And he mentioned that after 3 failed IUIs we’re basically in IVF land. He wanted another look at my endometrioma by ultrasound, so off to the ultrasound room…. The one on my right ovary was about the same size (55-60mm), as expected, and there was some light small talk. But then he looked at the left side, and all small talk ended, and he said “sweetie, you’ve got one on your left side too.” Today it was measuring about 37 x 55 mm, so almost as large as the one on the right. And it’s new since June. He said my right ovary has “very little” normal ovarian tissue, which I expected since I always ovulate on my left side. But now the concern is that the new endometrioma will destroy my left ovary. He asked if the pathology report from my surgery came back as endo tissue, and also asked if I’m having any weight loss, vomiting, or nausea. Which means that cancer was going through his head! I’m not too worried though since the pathology report from my lap was normal. He also said that there’s a very real possibility that I might lose an ovary during the next lap.

The RE looked very lost about what to do next. Ideally, I’d be having another lap and then IVF right away. Of course, that doesn’t guarantee that my husband’s sperm are normal. But I don’t want to do that. So, instead, I’m going to do 2 femara IUIs, and then go back for a consult. He might suggest injectables, or another lap at that point. It’s all so confusing since both of us are involved, and, although my problems overshadow my husband’s mild MFI, it’s still a factor.

My husband and I have talked through things, and I think we’ve agreed that we’d rather pursue adoption than IVF. Of course, at some point in the next several years I’m going to have to have another lap, but I’d like to put it off for a while. I hate all of this medical stuff, and have extreme anxiety attacks while going through tests or surgery. I’d much rather be a parent and not have to worry about all of this medical stuff. But, of course, I will be so sad to not have any biological children. But, at least I can have children in my life.



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Cycle #25

I tested on 12dpo and got a negative, along with falling temps, so I assumed I was out. I had my normal mental breakdown, and started to move on. When AF didn’t come by Sunday (15dpo) I stupidly got my hopes up. This morning I meant to test with fmu. I got my supplies out, and then sat on the toilet and forgot! I had a dentist appointment too, and wanted to be able to tell them if I was pregnant or not. But, by the time I left the house, AF had started.

For the past 2 years, dentist appointments have been a check-in for where I am in TTC. My first dentist appointment with this dentist was during cycle #3 when I was still optimistic and naive. The appointment was during the 2ww, so I told her I didn’t know if I was pregnant or not. Because of that, she refused to give me an xray, but the whole appointment was spent talking about ttc, and how exciting pregnancy is. When I had my check up 6 months later, I had a feeling something was wrong, and didn’t mention ttc, but wondered the whole time if she remembered my last appointment. Six months after that was right after my lap in Jan, and I had just started Lupron depot. I had to explain Lupron Depot, and listen to advice, like “have you ever tried the rhythm method?” Today, when the hygienist asked for my meds, I said, “synthroid. And I’ve been on clomid recently.” “Clomit? What’s clomit?” “Clomid. It’s an ovulation stimulating drug.” “Oh, are you trying?” “yeah” “it’s an amazing experience, let me tell you.” (assuming she meant pregnancy/parenting, not infertility.) “well, I’ve been trying for a long time.” “Oh, it will happen.” (no comment from me, and a long pause) “And if it doesn’t, well, there are so many children out there who need families. Parents who want to adopt just have so much love to give.” ugh. Luckily the rest of the appointment went well. I was dreading hearing that my mouth was failing in addition to my reproductive organs.

Now I’m on to cycle #25. I’ve done 2 rounds of clomid with this RE, and 1 round with my previous RE, so I’m going to see if I can try femara. My IUI will probably be around Sept. 4-7, which is exactly 2 years after we started trying. And, of course, there’s a meeting right in the middle of those dates that I can’t miss. It will probably be exactly when the IUI needs to happen.



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Back to school time

As a childless, infertile stepmom I really hate back to school time. The ex gets so cllingy to my husband. She asks for extra money, even though we do our share of back to school purchases. And she and my husband go to all of the back to school activities without inviting me along, or she goes to all of the activities with us, making me feel like they’re still a family of four, and I’m nothing. I know if I had my own kid I wouldn’t feel so left out. I feel like she’s everywhere and I can’t get away from her.

I’ve been so confused about my emotions this entire year since I’ve been on such crazy hormones. I spent the first half of the year on Lupron Depot and now I’ve been on clomid for the past two months. I know they make me oversensitive to issues, but this feels so real. I can’t tell if I feel it because of the clomid or if it’s a legit feeling. 😦

And work is driving me crazy. I’m teaching a grad class, writing a book, and trying to do two jobs all at once. I feel like having a mental breakdown, and the semester hasn’t even started yet.

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IUI #3

IUI #3 was on Saturday, CD 17. I was expecting to ovulate between CD 14-16, and got a bit stressed when I didn’t get a surge until CD 16. A Saturday appointment was really hard to organize. We had my stepsons over the weekend, and the older one had a cub scouts activity in the morning, and we had to arrange for my in-laws to watch them during that time. And since we didn’t know when the appointment would be until Friday afternoon, we ended up giving them a last minute notice. We hadn’t “come out” about our infertility to them yet, but we thought they’d probably guessed by now, so we decided that it would be ok to mention it over the weekend. When we picked up the boys, my husband made a comment about this appointment being “fertility related”, and my FIL brushed it off as “TMI.”

Fertility Friend is trying to tell that I ovulated on Friday, but I think the chart looks really odd (low coverline) with a Friday ovulation. Saturday ovulation makes it look much better. But if I did ovulate on Friday, the timing of the Saturday IUI might be a bit off. I’m just not feeling like things are strongly in my favor this cycle.

Saturday night my Little Sister’s mom texted me and asked for help with school clothes and shoes for my Little Sister. I feel so conflicted. I want to help, but I don’t have a lot of money to spend on someone else’s kid. I’ve already promised to take her to the local amusement park for her bday next weekend, and that’s an expensive afternoon. Part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters agreement is that they’re not supposed to ask us to help with monetary items so that we’re not taken advantage of. But I told her I could take her shopping for a few things. As I thought about it, I decided that the best thing I could do would be to hook her up with some hand-me-downs. That way it wouldn’t cost me (much), and I would be helping, but they wouldn’t rely on me for nice new clothes. I ended up at a consignment sale and bought some (used) clothes, and I’m hoping to find some more used clothes from my friends with girls. And I might take her out to buy a new pair of cheap shoes, since shoes don’t really work as hand-me downs.

I really enjoy kids, and I’m so happy to be a part of my stepsons and Little Sister’s lives. I’m also glad that I can contribute to all of them, but sometimes I feel so sad that I also don’t have my own little one to buy clothes for, and that arranging for my own (hopeful) kid around my stepsons schedule is so difficult.

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