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Archive for October, 2012

Medical train wreck

Sometimes I feel like a medical disaster. And then the RE makes hints about ovarian cancer, and I realize that things could be so so so much worse, and I should be grateful to be relatively healthy. After the consult I had some blood work done. TSH and AMH. I couldn’t do FSH because it was CD6. Anyhow, TSH results are back today, and it’s 3.11. I had a feeling after my last test in May that the number was creeping up. It was 2.1 in May 2012, but only .98 in May 2011. Anyhow, they need to adjust my dose. There are so many what-ifs in fertility land, and now this will be added to them. What if we’d seen a urologist last year? What if my TSH levels had been better during these series of IUIs (TSH should be between 1-2 for fertility)? What if we’d started earlier? What if my first husband hadn’t been such an a**hole? But none of these matter now. My ovaries are almost destroyed, and I can’t go back and change any of these decisions.

AMH results will be coming soon. I’m expecting equally disastrous results.

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What’s next?

My husband and I just had a consult with our RE about next steps. The conclusion? Things are bad. I joked with the doctor because last time, when he found endometrioma #2, he told me that he wouldn’t give me any more bad news at my next appointment. So after I reminded him, he told me that he could no longer speak to me. Sigh. So I released him from that promise. Basically, my endometriomas are huge, and neither ovary has much normal ovarian tissue left. He gave me less than a 5% chance of conceiving with my own eggs even with IVF.

Honestly, I was glad to get a definitive answer like that. If I can’t make babies I want to know that it’s time to move on. However, my husband and I had been talking about adoption for a while now, so I was surprised to see how much this affected him.

If we wanted to continue down the fertility path, the next step is for my husband to go to the urologist. Today the RE kept saying that he has “severely abnormal sperm.” And then we’d do an injectables IUI round. After that, the RE felt good about odds with donor eggs, but not so good about odds with donor embryos (due to lower quality embryos). And he reminded us that adoption would be a possibility too. When your RE tells you that maybe it’s time to adopt you know that things are bad.

If there is any good news here, it’s that he didn’t feel that I needed another lap in the next several months. He’s worried about another surgery causing more damage than good, especially considering how quickly the endo grew back. He also feels that my first surgeon was excellent, so he doesn’t think he missed anything. The most concerning thing is that he keeps asking if the pathology on the cyst following the surgery was consistent with endometriosis. I asked why he keeps asking, and he said that there’s some odd coloration on one of the endometriomas. But then he looks at the pathology report and stops worrying. He did tell me that if I stopped fertility treatments he would still be willing to treat my endo. Considering how aggressive it is, he doesn’t think anyone else in town would be able to do much with me.

So, lots to think about tonight and this weekend. And the stepsons will be around from tonight through the weekend, so not much time to talk either.

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The End

On Thursday morning (13 dpo) I woke up and took a test, and I saw a second line! The first time in 26 months! My husband and I were so excited! I spent the morning feeling so happy, and then in the afternoon I started to freak out. What if the test wasn’t right? Something about where the second line was didn’t seem right. And I was so scared about something bad happening, we’d worked so hard to get there. After work I came home and tested right away, and it was negative. But, of course, there was still a chance because it was early enough that maybe it would only work with first morning urine. I looked at the positive test again, and I really started to feel like it was a bad test. The test line was way too close to the control line. I googled a lot of those tests, and none of them looked like mine. So, I tested again on Friday morning, and it was definitely negative. Oh well. And, on top of this, we had the boys with us Thursday after school through Friday morning, so we didn’t get a chance to sit down and talk about what was happening. All I could say in passing was that the tests were showing up negative. Luckily it was their weekend with their mom, so Friday night I had a good cry on my husband’s shoulder.

Between the error on the okp, the difficult IUI, and the false positive hpt, I feel like the universe is telling me that it’s time to stop. I think I’d need some time off, even if I wanted to keep pursuing treatments.

My cramps are bad this month, and they feel very similar to how my cramps used to feel before the surgery. I feel like we’re in exactly the same place we were at this time last year, only now I have two endometriomas instead of one, and I’m thinking about going into massive debt to adopt a baby.

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End of this road

I had my last IUI on Friday. I’m getting worse at these things! Last month I expected to ovulate on CD 15, but didn’t end up ovulating until CD 17. So, this month I expected to ovulate on CD 17, but ended up on CD15. And I got an error message on my stupid OPK that I’d never seen before (turns out it had too much pee on it. I didn’t even know that was a possibility!) My husband and I were working for an optimal hold on CD 17, so we only ended up with a 36 hour hold again, so our sperm count was horrible — only 1.9 million. Even worse than last month. The ultrasound looked good, we had 3 mature follicles (25, 21, and 16) and a nice lining. Both endometriomas are still 55+ mm. Then, the regular IUI nurse had to step out of the office for an appointment, so we had another nurse. Not a big deal since I’ve had others do my IUIs. But this one seemed really nervous. She pinched my thigh while she was placing the speculum, and it seemed to make her even more nervous. Then, she couldn’t get the catheter through my cervix. After poking around for a while she finally decided to call the doctor to do it. While we were waiting for the doctor, I thought she was going to start crying! She was so nervous! I thought she was probably new, and the dr would get in and be done in a second. When he got in, he started poking around and told me that my cervix had a bend in it that was making it difficult to get the catheter through. They kept trying to bend the catheter to “hook” my cervix and nothing was working! So they asked me to move next door to the ultrasound room. He took another ultrasound of my cervix to figure out which way it was bending, and then they kept the abdominal ultrasound going so they could see to guide the catheter in through the bend in the cervix. When it finally got in to my uterus, I felt this really sharp cramp that I’d never felt before. But he was able to watch the sperm going in to the uterus on the ultrasound machine, so at least we know it got in to where it was supposed to go. I think it took 30 minutes of poking around on my cervix to do this IUI, all for a measly 1.9 million sperm!

All of my other IUIs were relatively painless, so it was so weird that this one was so difficult. If anything, it just reinforces my thoughts that this is the end of this particular road. Medically, the next steps would be another surgery for me, plus my husband visiting a urologist. But I still think that adoption will be the next path we take, although I need to talk to my RE about how to manage the endo, and find out how long I can wait until my next lap.

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