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Archive for November, 2012

Looking for my baby

We’re full swing into looking for adoption agencies! I’ve been obsessing about this for over a week now, it almost reminds me of how obsessed I was at the beginning of my TTC journey. This agency search is overwhelming. There are seriously thousands of adoption agencies. And many reputable looking agencies have bad reviews. The industry has no regulation, so I’ve been completely shocked at the amount of discrimination I’ve seen. Discrimination against sexual orientation, religious orientation, two working parents, parents with children, parents with previous relationships. And then, different colored babies cost different amounts of money!!!! That’s completely shocking to me, and the agencies that are doing this absolutely disgust me. I wouldn’t want to look at my child and think that we settled for a “cheaper” baby because of the color of his/her skin. We’re looking for an agency that we can feel comfortable working with, and obviously won’t discriminate against us. And, we also need to find one that we can afford. I was hoping we could stay local and keep things simple, but our home state seemingly had about 10 adoptions last year, split between two agencies.  And the agency with a recent increase in placements didn’t give us a particularly warm feeling. I think we’re narrowing things down, however. We have another appointment scheduled for a week from today, and I think we’ll be ready to finalize the decision after that appointment. My nights are full of dreams of searching for my baby and not knowing where to look. I’ve felt so lost in this sea of information. I have a feeling that I’m going to be bad at waiting for a match.

P.S. for my own records, my TSH levels were down to 0.67 at my test last week. I’ve also had my AMH and FSH levels tested, but haven’t asked for the numbers yet. Maybe when I have my follow-up for the endometriomas in January I’ll ask.

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Step Affections

My younger stepson (4 yo) is very sweet and affectionate, but rarely says the words “I love you.” It’s just not his thing. When his older brother was his age he was always telling everyone that he loved them. Unfortunately that changed when he started kindergarten, but his actions still show it. Sometimes I hear the little one tell his mom that he loves her after she says it, but he normally doesn’t say it after I tell him. It’s not a big deal. He’s a little guy and doesn’t understand all of this emotional stuff yet. So imagine my surprise last Thursday night (the same day as the previous blog post), when he walked into the room and told me “I love you more than daddy.” Since my husband was in the room with me at that time (but had his headphones on), the first thing I said was, “that’s not very nice to daddy.” And that comment seemed to confuse my stepson. Then I realized his dad had his headphones on and hadn’t heard any of it. So I told him that I loved him too. But I feel like I screwed the whole thing up by responding negatively first. And I feel bad for his dad too. But, of course, kids are fickle, and their affection is always changing, so I know he doesn’t really feel that way. Although they clearly think of me as mom at dad’s house, they often prefer their dad, which is how it should be. It’s very confusing to be a stepmom. When we brought up adoption to my parents, my mom initially tried to tell me that the boys should be enough for me, and I didn’t need kids of my own. She has absolutely no idea how complicated the step relationship is.  

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Another infertile stepmom rant

It’s parent teacher conference time. I used to hate it because my husband and the boys’ mom go together, and I’m not invited. It’s another occasion when I feel like they’re still family, and I’m the intruder. But now it feels even more painful. My husband came home and said that they talked about which kid was more like each parent. Of course, this brings into focus the fact that no one will ever tell me that. Not only that, but also that my husband will always share this bond with another woman, and will never have the same bond with me. No one will ever look at our child and try to decide who they look most like, but they will always look at his boys and try to decide if certain parts came from their mom or their dad.

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Endo pains

Last Thursday night and all day Friday I had the worst ovulation pains I’ve ever felt. I was fine when I was still, but as soon as I started moving, including driving in a car, it hurt a lot. This really scares me, because I don’t want a surgery any time soon, but if that kind of pain continues I think I’m going to have to do something sooner rather than later. Even though I understand that I am unlikely to get pregnant naturally, I’m still not ready to lose one or both ovaries.

I think my husband has started to accept our infertility diagnosis. He started to tell his friends, and on Saturday we told his parents (my parents already know). Luckily, everyone is supportive of adoption. I still don’t feel quite ready to start contacting any agencies, but I think I’ll start getting that bug soon. I feel kind of in limbo right now. I don’t know if I should focus more on coming to terms with infertility, or doing more research about adoption. I’ve seen a few agencies that say that adoptive parents need to be married for 2 years, so right now I’m thinking of waiting until our 2 year anniversary in January before making any serious commitments.

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